JOKES

[cailz]

*Wine with Seniors in mind* ;D

I kid you not....there is a new wine for seniors. California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce pinot blanc, pinot noir and pinot grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.

It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as pino more.

[cailz]

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutriction and health:

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat but also suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
4. The Italisans drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

*Eat and drink what you like*
Speaking English is apparently what kills you. ;D

[sparrow]

LOL. I like those cailz.

Here's one that I thought was quite cute:

TOO CUTE NOT TO SHARE
>
> A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a
> man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on
> backwards The little boy asked why he wore his collar
> backwards...
>
> The man, who was a priest, said "I am
> a Father." The little boy replied "My Dad
> doesn't wear his collar like that." The priest
> looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father
> of many."
>
>
> The boy said "My Dad has 4 boys, 4
> girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his
> collar that way." The priest, getting impatient, said
> "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to
> reading his book.
>
> The little boy sat quietly thinking for a
> while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should use
> a condom and wear your pants backwards instead of your
> collar

I can imagine my son saying something like this.

[cailz]

HAHAHA Sparrow, that was excellent.
I think if many men used that little guy's logic, they would stay out of trouble. ;D

[sparrow]

.I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken back because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids,'
Now his mind races back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

[maire]

Lol all goodies.

[maire]

This is an oldie but still good for a laugh ..

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 84).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at him.

The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked:

'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.

And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response:

'Got stoned once and made love to a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'

[Lux]

LoLoLoLoL...love it! and the first joke too pino more

[Lux]

Feb 18, 2009 21:24:12 GMT 12 sparrow said:

.I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken back because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids,'
Now his mind races back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

Hahaha...another goodie!

[misilon]

pino more fantastic hehe!! great jokes ,..

[mercedes]

I thought these were funny and shouldnt offend....

"They walk amongst us"

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.' For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.

He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it!

***They walk amongst us!***
--------------------------------------------------------

While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff'

***They Walk Among Us!!***
--------------------------------------------------------------

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.

***They Walk Among Us!!!!***
------------------------------------------------------------------------

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped She keeps it in the trunk.

***They Walk Among Us!!!!!***
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?' I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...

***They Walk Among Us!!!!!!! ***
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...

(I work with professionals like this:)

***They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!***
------------------------------------------------------------------------

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[mercedes]

It's so quiet around the place thought Id liven it up a bit again. sorry I don't know why some of the numbers are wrong


1. If you take an Oriental person
and spin him around several times, does he
become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

3.
4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?


5.
6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy
opposites?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one???

12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.

Could it be that 'I do' is the longest
sentence?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked,doesn't it follow that electricians can
be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons
debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

14.. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licences of bald men?

15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

17.
18. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.

19. Ever wonder about those people who spend £2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE


20. Why if you send something by road it is
called a shipment, but when you send it by sea it is called cargo?

21. If a convenience store is open 24 hours
a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, why are
there locks on the door?

[mercedes]

Oh ok , you are all not amused so I wont bother trying to get the place a bit more lively

[sparrow]

I found this link from laurell, the Goober Queen, it appealed to me:

b3ta.com/questions/darwin/post367250

[sparrow]

Feb 21, 2009 21:13:01 GMT 12 @mercedes said:

Oh ok , you are all not amused so I wont bother trying to get the place a bit more lively

Oh come on. Some of them were quite funny. ;D

[mercedes]

Only SOME??

[sparrow]

Ref Spanky at The Last Post for posting - www.thelastpost.co.nz/topic/21504.0.htm

Hawaiian Good Luck Sign

As I was browsing through a local Christian bookstore, I spotted a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day since I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I purchased the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed!

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is ... and I failed to notice that the light had changed. It's a good thing that someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I never would have noticed. I found that there are a LOT of people who love Jesus.

While I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!"

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Suddenly, everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a "sunny beach" ... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant and he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing. He was really enjoying this religious experience, too.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

[sparrow]

Feb 24, 2009 7:27:16 GMT 12 @mercedes said:

Only SOME??

Sorry! ;D

Okay ... some of them were REALLY funny. ;D

[sparrow]

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every now and then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go." But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality. Whispering...... Dave....... Dave........ Dave........ ........you're a vet

[maire]

[Lux]

hahahaha...lol

[sparrow]

My favourite inappropriate joke of the moment:

When the wife and I divorced, she said she'd fight me for the kids. Took her out with one punch ...