R18 thread

[crheas]

Hey - just something we thought we'd run by everyone... Let us know if you have r18 jokes that would be suited for a thread with a disclaimer. (Seems sorta cheesy and I'm having a hard time not chuckling... but I'm totally serious!)

[Lux]

or even an R18 warning by the poster, but you could have adult orientated jokes seperate from other dry jokes like the ones I'm used to telling LOL. As long as they are not racist or biggotted.

[rdsmum]

For some reason I feel right at home in the R18 section heh heh



story reaffirms my faith in the human species.
You GOTTA Love this!!!!!!!

The RAMBO Granny of Melbourne, Australia

Gun-toting granny Ava Estelle, 81, was so ticked-off when two thugs raped her 18-year-old granddaughter that she tracked the unsuspecting ex-cons down - - and shot off their testicles.

The old lady spent a week hunting those men down -- and when she found them, she took revenge on them in her own special way, said Melbourne police investigator Evan Delp. Then she took a taxi to the nearest police station, laid the gun on the sergeant's desk and told him as calm as could be:

'Those bastards will never rape anybody again, by God.' Cops say convicted rapist and robber Davis Furth, 33, lost both his penis and his testicles when outraged Ava opened fire with a 9-mm pistol in the hotel room where he and former prison cellmate Stanley Thomas, 29, were holed up.

The wrinkled avenger also blew Thomas' testicles to kingdom come, but doctors managed to save his mangled penis, police said. The one guy, Thomas, didn't lose his manhood, but the doctor I talked to said he won't be using it the way he used to, Detective Delp told reporters. Both men are still in pretty bad shape, but I think they're just happy to be alive after what they've been through.

The Rambo Granny swung into action August 21 after her granddaughter Debbie was carjacked and raped in broad daylight by two knife-wielding creeps in a section of town bordering on skid row. "When I saw the look on my Debbie's face that night in the hospital, I decided I was going to go out and get those bastards myself 'cause I figured the Law would go easy on them," recalled the retired library worker. "And I wasn't scared of them, either-- because I've got me a gun and I've been shootin' all my life. And I wasn't dumb enough to turn it in when the law changed about owning one."

So, using a police artist's sketch of the suspects and Debbie's description of the sickos', tough-as-nails Ava spent seven days prowling the wino-infested neighbourhood where the crime took place till she spotted the ill fated rapists entering their flophouse hotel.

I knew it was them the minute I saw 'em, but I shot a picture of 'em anyway and took it back to Debbie and she said sure as hell, it was them, the oldster recalled.

So I went back to that hotel and found their room and knocked on the door and the minute the big one, Furth, opened the door, I shot 'em right square between the legs, right where it would really hurt 'em most, you know.
Then I went in and shot the other one as he backed up pleading to me to spare him. Then I went down to the police station and turned myself in.

Now, baffled lawmen are trying to figure out exactly how to deal with the vigilante granny. What she did was wrong, and she broke the law, but it is difficult to throw an 81-year-old woman in prison, Det. Delp said, especially when 3 million people in the city want to nominate her for sainthood and a medal.





DEPORT HER TO the U.K. -- WE NEED HER!!!

[rdsmum]

An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having a beer.

All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces.

"In Seth Efrika our glawsses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice," he says.

The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces.

"Will bro', in Noo Zulland we hev so much send to make the glasses that we don't need to drunk out the same glass either, eh!" he says.

The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Kiwi.

He turns to the astonished barman and says, " In Strailya mate, we have so many bloody South Africans and Kiwis that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice!!"

[maire]

Junior School Children Writing About The Sea


1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.(Kelly
age 6)

2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have
sea all round you, you are incontinent.(Wayne age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

5) A dolphin breaths through an ***ehole on the top of its
head.(Billy age 8)

6) My dad goes out in his boat, and comes back with crabs. (Emily
Burniston age 5)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross
the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would
whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better
off eating beans.(William age 7)

8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny
tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always
screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big
sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write.(Amy age
6)

10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting Electric eels
can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where
I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age
7)

11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my
willy small. (Kevin age 6)

12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers
can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky
age 8)

13) On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was
going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot
up her fanny.(Julie age 7).

[Lux]

Little angels, ;D I love the dolphin one!

[sparrow]

OMG Maire. Those are priceless! I love them.

[maire]

Lol .. I relate well to #3

[Lux]

The Art Gallery

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench.

Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.
He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics
believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said: "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy, who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there's no African Americans depicted at all. they're just three coal miners, the guy in the middle went home for lunch.

[rdsmum]

WOMAN'S POEM



Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.


MAN'S POEM


I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge hooters
who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a s**t.

[Lux]

good one!

[maire]

Sex

We Grandpas need to be sure what the question is before answering!

An out-of-breath 7 year-old girl ran up to her grandfather, who was tinkering in his workshop, and confronted him with the universally dreaded (by adults) question.
"What is sex...?"
He was surprised she'd ask such a question at her age, but thought if she's old enough to ask, she's old enough to get a straight answer.
He wouldn't shirk his responsibility. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to describe for her all the variations of human sexuality he could conjure, careful to impress upon her the joys and responsibilities of intercourse and procreation.

When finally Grandpa was done pontificating, the little girl stood
frozen, as though nailed to the spot, and looked at him with her mouth open, eyes wide in amazement.
Seeing she was overwhelmed, he asked what caused her sudden
curiosity.
His granddaughter shook off her reverie and replied,
"Grandma says dinner will be ready in a couple of secs."

[cookie]

Today it is quiet in the office and I'm on my own...than the lord I am as I sat here crying with laughter!!!
It released my boredom thank you all very much!

[Lux]

Macahari the corset wearing tree cutter?

[misilon]

I wanna know how a mermaid gets pregnant.,...please!!

[bossybitch]

What's the difference between 1920 undies and 2007 undies.
In the 20's you had to part the undies to see the arse
In 2007 you have top part the arse to see the undies.

[rdsmum]

Paddy and Murphy find a mirror, Paddy looks in it and says @you know, I recognise that face but I cant put a name to it' Murphy then looks in it and says 'you bloody idiot its me'!!!!

[rdsmum]

Blonde phones the fire brigade and says her house is on fire. Firman asks 'how do we get there?' she replies 'Hellooooooooo, the f****in red lorry'!!!!

[maire]

admin said:

Macahari the corset wearing tree cutter?

Lol .... omg where did that come from

Love the wedgie type jeans

[Lux]

Just thought I'd sneak it in..sick sense of humour and all LOL. Remember our dearly departed caz23? Check out its trade me account.

[maire]

I haven't been in here for ages and what a surprise I found.
Yes I remember the cazualty, I wrote a little post to her this morning as it happens
She's into the sleazy underwear, so is Boris and now macahari too ..... into threesomes or all in one jobbies, perhaps

[Lux]

[maire]

What were you thinking Lux? ;D ;D
I was thinking of teddys and all three of them sharing theirs.




;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

[rdsmum]

hope this works......................................



yep it does just click on the picture and turn ya sound on lol

[bottlecar]

LOL rdsmum loved granny's smile at the end!